When I Don't Have the Words

Poetry is the art form that most sincerely speaks to my life and heart.  If I haven't written it yet, someone else has come very close, if not dead on.  The first poem expresses pretty clearly how I've felt for the last year or so...if not longer.  I've been in that place...

Symptom Recital
by Dorothy Parker

I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light,
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
My world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
For what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well.
My quondam dreams are shot to hell.
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore;
I do not like me anymore.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men.
I'm due to fall in love again.

The second poem describes where I have been the last week or so and where I am now...and where I am going.

Love After Love
by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door,
in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread.
Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
 for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

I've always thought I needed romantic love, a boyfriend or husband, to make me whole and stable and happy.  I don't know what took me so long to realize all that comes to me from romantic relationships is chaos and confusion...and wounds.  When I'm involved with someone else, I tend to become like them...losing myself in them.  So along with the other decisions I've made recently, the other changes I've been making, I'm also making a conscious decision to hold on to myself, to be me, regardless of who I am with. Art changes me too, but in a much gentler and uplifting manner.  Either way, it's all part of the refining process.

I have only ever wanted to be two things.  The first, I haven't had the opportunity to be.  The second I haven't had the courage to pursue.  My top career goal and desire in life is to be a wife and mother.  Timing of that is not really up to me.  My extremely close second is to be an artist.  So here I am, taking steps to cultivate my artistic life.

at sea

Boston Harbor, September 2013

Sitting in a hushed white room, awaiting my turn, reading the pink card: a single name, a date, and "at sea" the only available details. Unusual postscript breeds curiosity. Birth "at sea," turbulent or serene? Young mother or old, in love or alone? From where, to where, and why? Determined or drifting? Destined to live, or die? Upon arrival, were they greeted by an empty pier or friendly embrace? What beauty or misery adorned her life? Love, abandonment, success or defeat? Long ago departed on her final voyage, her life a mystery to me.

Cape Cod, September 2013

 Any random thing can inspire an artistic moment.  Something you see, feel, smell, hear, touch, or read.  Today, it was two words on an ordinance card at the temple.  I wasn't even planning to go today, but traffic was terrible so instead of going home after work, I walked across the street and into a unique experience.
My words are not expressing what I want them to today though, so I'll just post a song or two and some pictures and let that be enough.

 

 The Decemberists: From My Own True Love (Lost At Sea)

 

Christopher Cross: Sailing (beautiful images)

STYX: Come Sail Away (Disney Style)

why i write

What follows are a few of my own poems.  

These are my words.  

These are my heart and my life.

Sing

The bird sings for the sunrise

for the trees and the joy of living

I want to write like the bird sings

for me and light and color

But my words possess ulterior
motive full of longing, need

I want my song to entice, invite

draw people in so I can feel 

noticed, heard, wanted, cheered

I stop writing when I lack audience

I embrace silence because others

are more attractive, have 

better constructed words, 

brighter images, rhythm and tone

The bird doesn't need to be listened to, 

she sings to sing

it matters not if another bird is

louder, has a sweeter song, 

prettier feathers, a better nest

she is to sing and adds her original twitter 

to silence or cacophony 

as she delights

I am to write, heard or not 

My voice is mine to do with as I please

Don’t ruin it with words

You asked me what was on my mind
I couldn't let you know it was you
I told you I didn't know instead
But then my mind was blank by then
I knew what was on your mind
I asked anyway, just to see
What words would come out this time
Hidden and vague but I understood
We've been there too many times
So what do you want to do about it
You should know that was my consent
I wanted to feel again, but then, nothing
I was not prepared to feel nothing
Now there are no words between us
There will be because we've been here
Too many times before, letting go
Doesn't work for you and I
So, let's leave it where and what it is
And never mention it again, we're fine
I'm moving on, finally free of you

Just Pretend

Pretend
that you love me, it
doesn't have to be
real.
Make believe I
am the one you have been
hoping
would come into your life.
Treat me
the way you would treat the
love of your life.
Show me
the tenderest
parts of who you really
are.
Hold me
when we are near,
think of me
when we are apart.
Then maybe I will
invade
the deeper parts
of your hidden
soul
and you will suddenly
find
that I am the one you
wanted
all along.

 

I lose My Words

 

I lose my words when you’re around

There are just too many to say

They fall like rocks to the ground

And the wind chases them away

There are just too many to say

They are lost and can’t be found

And the wind chases them away

My voice refuses to release sound

They are lost and can’t be found

Though I search all night and day

My voice refuses to release sound

Then too suddenly you walk away

Though I search all night and day

Seeing you makes my heart pound

Then too suddenly you walk away

I wish you would turn back around

Seeing you makes my heart pound

Though I know you’ll never stay

I wish you would turn back around

And show me a better way

Though I know you’ll never stay

To hear the words I haven’t found

And show me a better way

To keep you here on solid ground

To hear the words I haven’t found

Please say what I cannot say

To keep you here on solid ground

I’d put my heart on display

Please say what I cannot say

Words fall likes rocks to the ground

I’d put my heart on display

But I lose my words when you’re around.

I write to say what my vocal chords refuse to express.  I write because I want to be heard...even if only the paper is listening.  I write to learn, to understand, to seek truth.  I write to create and beautify.  I write to get the demons out.  I write to discover what I have to say. I write because the words will not be restrained.

nurturing nature

today was beautiful.  a perfect day for wandering.  after filling my gas tank i drove around town with a specific playlist of affective music wrapping around me and floating through the open window.  i used to drive around a lot, making random turns to see if i could get myself lost.  today i roamed with purpose.  after a while i stopped driving, abandoned my car in the garage and continued my wanders on foot.  the art i experienced today was painted by nature.  the stormy shifting clouds, the leaves and branches waving in the breeze, flowers of various sizes reaching toward the sun. colors bold and vibrant and diverse.  Heavenly artists at their best today!  the photos don't do justice, they don't allow the full sensory experience, but they can give an idea.

let the sun shine!

i love the trees

how cool is this

love these

i just love the clouds, the motion, streaks of rain

Nature's Way

By Heidi Campbell

Upon a nice mid-spring day,
Let's take a look at Nature's way,
Breathe the scent of nice fresh air,
Feel the breeze within your hair.
The grass will poke between your toes,
Smell the flowers with your nose,
Clouds form shapes within the skies,
And light will glisten from your eyes.
Hear the buzzing of the bees,
Climb the tallest willow trees,
Look across the meadow way,
And you shall see a young deer play.
Pick the daisies as they grow,
Watch a gentle cold stream flow,
Know the sounds of water splash,
Catch its glimmer in a flash.
When altogether all seems sound,
Lay yourself upon the ground,
Take a moment to inhale,
And listen to Nature tell her tale...

 

beautiful

green

so green!

beautiful contrast, light blue peeking through the darkness

weeping willow, do not cry for me today

let the sun shine through your tears

i love this, the red is such a vibrant contrast to the gray sky

lilacs are my absolute favorite flowers!

everything in nature is connected.  if this were a science blog i'd go into the chemistry and biology and whatnot to explain, but this is an art blog, so i'll let the words of the poets express how nature connects us with the rest of the world.

Love’s Philosophy

By Percy Bysshe Shelley

The fountains mingle with the river

And rivers with the Ocean,

The winds of Heaven mix for ever

With a sweet emotion;

Nothing in the world is single;

All things by a law divine

In one spirit meet and mingle.

Why not I with thine? –

See the mountains kiss high Heaven

And the waves clasp one another;

No sister-flower would be forgiven

If it disdained its brother;

And the sunlight clasps the earth

And the moonbeams kiss the sea:

What is all this sweet work worth

If thou kiss not me?

 go wander in nature for a while; be nurtured, connect, feel alive.